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fil-in-the-gap

I am a Filipina in the diaspora, born in the heady sixties, raised during the repressive Marcos regime, this blog is about living and loving in the belly of the beast.

  • The finality of farewells

    Home again in the same year. I’m not sure why, really. I tell everyone it’s to be with family. First time spending Christmas without Mom. Truth is I just want to be close to where she used to be. This time the trip is not for her or for family. It’s for me. I just Read more

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  • On the flight back

    The night before I was to go back to Chicago, my brother Dodgie, my niece Zyra and I were stuck in traffic at 12 midnight. I had gone to my friend Ling’s art exhibit opening and hung out with her until 10, despite people telling me, “Don’t hang out too late, you’re going to get Read more

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  • Assessment Plan/Rhetorics/poem-in-progress

    This is not your hand; This bloated fish in my latex-gloved hand, hematomaed like the drowned corpse I saw when I wrote about night hawks who forage after 12 for decaying remains, blood-debt killings, a small ice pick stuck to the temple of a gambler who owed 10 pesos in pusoy, a security guard ended Read more

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  • Fill in the Blank

    I fill up spaces with plans for things I want to fill up my spaces with. I write it down, make it real, make it take up real space and then break the plans with things I did not plan on filling my spaces with. My 15-year old son talks to himself in his room, Read more

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  • Do-it-with-joy

    The other day, my husband made me think. He was joking around as usual, but maybe there’s some truth to it. He said he is going to accompany our daughter to her cheerleading event not because it’s an obligation but because he wants to see her cheer, implying that I do things more out of a sense Read more

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  • Are you awake?

    Just finished bingeing on Westworld by Michael Crichton. It makes me think about the idea of consciousness as something we develop as we mature. It’s waking up and staying awake, looking at ourselves in the mirror and understanding where we came from and how we got here. Sadly, some people never really get to this Read more

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  • Denial is not a river in Egypt

    Today, November 9, 2016, a quintessential asshole became the president of the United States. I mean, seriously, is there any other word more apropos to describe this man who thinks that kissing women and grabbing their private parts without their consent “comes with the territory of being a star”? And now, he is the most Read more

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  • Pain

    I’ve been weaning myself off of Hydrocodon, a powerful narcotic that relieves one’s body of pain. The doctor said to take it every four hours after the surgery and “as needed.” You realize its power only after it wears off, and you are left immobilized by the sharp shooting pain in your injured body part. For awhile Read more

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  • The Incredible Healing Power of Family, Friends, and Furry BFFs

    And so it has come to pass that I have somewhat of a cancer, but it is at its nascent stage. Just enough to indulge my flair for the dramatic, but not enough for me to drop everything and start writing the quintessential novel of my generation. Hah! As if having less time would actually Read more

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  • Night of the Living Moms

    Parenting, joyful as it is, can be an exhausting, and at times, a zombifying enterprise– particularly when you’re a mother who insists on having an identity beyond mom, mama, nanay, madre, who feels the need to create art, build your community, get your PhD, walk on a wire, and still have the time and energy Read more

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